Thoughts on Hope

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It’ll be one month since I wrote last and I feel like I owe it to myself. There has been so much going on that I just didn’t know where to start and how to sum it up. I’ve been thinking about making this post for a long time, adding to it in my head every time something significant happened. Now, a month later, I think there are so many things on my mind that I simply have to put them down on the „paper…

I’ll start with something negative and build my way up to the optimistic sphere, hopefully. On 26th of February was my 29th birthday. I didn’t plan any celebrations, just like every year for the past several years. But mum called and said we could go for dinner and have some chat and such. We also went to bank regarding my flat, but more about that later. After the visit to bank, we were supposed to go to a teashop, have a cake and tea, talk, and then go for dinner to our favourite Indian restaurant. Were supposed to, because of course, mum canceled our „date“ right after the visit to bank, saying she had to go back to work. We didn’t even set up a new date and almost even had a fight over something else on the way to her work (should have let her walk). I mean, it was my birthday, she didn’t get me present, just some money and those were equal to ten toast breads; then she starts talking about something absolutely unrelated to me, complaining about my father, that was also innocent in that case and by the time I reached her work (about 7 minutes later), I was ready to jump out of the car, drag her out of it, strangle her on the sidewalk and then jump back in the car and ran over her… Seriously. In those few minutes, she made me feel so low I was driving home, crying and seriously considering suicide after a long time again. I had to stop the car half way home, get out and breath in the cold air for almost ten minutes to calm down, because I was about to drive off the road. Fortunately, ten minutes was enough to let me calm down and think about it. I still feel pissed about it all, but I don’t feel like giving up anymore.

I should probably say that feeling like giving up wasn’t entirely my mother’s fault, though she had a significant part in it and my birthday was just the last straw. It was around that time that I had it pretty rough at work and I also learned that my flat’s „paperwork“ (let’s call it that, because it encompasses pretty high stack of papers and agreements, bank requirements and other things, and I don’t wanna get into that) weren’t okay and there was going to be a very significant setback for me. Which is why I had to start thinking about possibilities regarding my living situation. The easiest way out is to sell the flat, live in rental for a while, then buy a new one, or buy a house, or build a house. Even though these are the easiest possibilities, they still present me with dealing with selling of the flat that I have spent so much time, energy and money to rebuild, having to move at least twice, and spending enormous amount of time, energy and money on building a new home. I have contacted the realtor and we’re gonna sign a selling contract this weekend, so he’ll actively start looking for a buyer for my flat as soon as possible, because I kinda have to get rid of it before end of June…

On better note, I have started with hormonal therapy last Friday, so now I am officially 4 days on Testosterone now. Any changes? :-D Nope, not yet, it’ll take a while. I have the report from the psychologist who not only confirmed my diagnose but also confirmed my IQ to be 131. I have come out to my boss, his boss, my immediate colleagues, personal manager and as of last Friday also to the rest of my department (there are 40 of us just at the Purchasing!). I have real good feedback from pretty much half of them, the rest didn’t comment. My slightly extended family (aunt, uncle and cousins) know now too and although my cousins (20 and 16) are a little reserved, the overall reaction was good. My aunt was practically extatic, actually – she always is, about everything. I am dressing even manlier now and I do get strange looks on the street sometimes, but I don’t pay attention to that. My birth certificate came back from Prague, so I am now officially named Sam and my surname is in male form. I am going to apply for new ID, driving license and insurance card sometime next week.

So, why is my post titled “Thoughts on Hope”? Well, the answer is easy. While having dark thoughts, problems with my flat, crazy work and all that rest, I still try to believe that there are better tomorrows stored for me. That one day, I’ll wake up in my own house beside a loving partner and will go to do work that I actually want to do. That said, I am not just going to sit on my ass and wait for all that to happen, nor will I wait for the lottery to notice me. I am working on increasing my skills at work by subtly asking for new trainings that will make me more valuable on the market. I am undergoing auditor VDA 6.3 training that will actually get me the job that want to do. And if my current employer won’t let me do the job here after all the money they’ll invest in me to achieve this level of proficiency, then I’ll find a new employer that will hire me to be the auditor that I want to be. I am currently working on selling my flat which is the first step to get rid of the ridiculous mortgage that I have now. Once living in a rental flat closer to work (I currently commute to work 70km per day), I will find a nice plot of land and build a nice moderately sized house. Yes, the mortgage again won’t be anything but difficult, but we’ll see when I get there – it is still about two years away, so I might change work and get better pay for all I know. And I am going to really work on myself, not only my body, but also my personality. I am already better in socializing at work than I was few years ago, but outside work, I am still the same quite, antisocial, anxiety-filled person that I have always been. So, I want to start at least with going to the group therapy for gay transmen. First session this year is May and I am really looking forward to meet my fellow brothers-in-arms and ask them about their experience and such. And so, I am having hope. Yes, there were dark places and sure, I am having mood swings like a teenager, but I am trying to see the light in the darknessm the little flicker of hope that one day, the little spark will burn bright and warm my world.

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Trans Update

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Today, I wanna write an update on the latest development in my transition into a guy.

Since December, I had three visits at the sexologist, the last one yesterday afternoon. I also had already a check up at the endocrinologist, internist and psychologist. From the health point of view, both internist and endocrinologist confirmed that I am fit to start the hormonal therapy, though they both mentioned I should loose some weight. -_- I guess I really should. I’ll get the report from psychologist by the next session at the sexologist, which will be already on 13th of March, but I suppose he will just confirm the diagnosis and there will be nothing more standing in the way.

Truth is, Dr. Fifkova (my sexologist) had already wanted to prescribe me the hormones yesterday, but as much as I want them right away, I want to wait till I put everything in order in my “old” life. So, I got the paper for the home office to allow the change of name to neutral form. You see, in Czech, and pretty much every other Slavic Languages, it is normal to differentiate between male and female surname by adding -a or -ova at the end of male surname. So, for example, if male has the name of Novak, then his wife / daughter / etc. will be called Novakova. It’s stupid, but we live with it. That said, when going through the transition, you have to change your name to neutral form for about a year – which is the period of one year from starting taking hormones up until the actual official change of gender, which is recognized only after removing of reproduction organs from the body, thus completing the transition. In that one year, you are officially still recognized as the gender assigned to you at birth, my national number stays in the female form too (because yes, not only our surnames but also national numbers differ from male to female), but I can choose a neutral name, so that I can pass better. Unfortunately, with all the mess with the names, choosing a neutral surname can be pretty tricky and you can end up being called Novaku or Novakovych – both these forms are not usual and as such draws automatic attention which you are trying to avoid of course. Anyway, sorry for the lesson in Slavic names. What I wanted to write about is that I went to the home office today and applied for the change of my name. The lady at the office was really professional (I live at a pretty little town, so I kinda did not expect that) and really helpful. Not only she said there is no need to wait the 30 days it can take to get it proceeded, but she also accepted my chosen name “Sam” as a neutral form of Samuel and, to my amazement, also the surname in the completely male form – I should say that my surname is not really original in any Slavic language, it’s originally from France I think, so it would be kinda super weird to see the neutral form of that. :-D On Monday, I am going back to the home office to sign that I will not withdraw my application and then they will send my birth certificate to Prague where I was born to get me a new one. With that, I can change all the IDs and start presenting myself under my new name. Yippee!

I also got a paper for my employer that gives them short explanation of what is going on and asking them to accept my wish to start living as a male from now on. I plan to speak to my boss sometime during next week, or maybe even this Friday – I wanna give him time over the weekend to read on it and think about it. Up until now, I have met with nothing but acceptance and support, from my close friends and my family alike. I have came into contact with doctors that work with trans people for years, so I didn’t have to explain everything awkwardly and I even got to learn many useful information. Maybe that is why I am still waiting for the blow and since my workplace is the last on my list to come out to, I am scared that this is where the blow will be coming from. I am sort of prepared for it, but it still doesn’t prevent the knot in my stomach every time I try to imagine telling them all…

I have gotten my first binder last Friday and I am already wearing it now every day. I read and heard other FtM guys talking about how great it is despite some discomfort and how they wouldn’t go out without it now that they tried it. I was looking forward to it, but I was a little reserved. I mean, I lived with my body and what inevitably came along for quite a long time and as much as I hate it, I have never really tried to bind. I bought a sports bra that was pretty binding in October last year and I did refuse to wear anything else since. Until I got the real binder. Not only it is more comfortable than the fucking sport’s bra, which is really stupid considering women are actually supposed to be working out in it (!), but the result is so much better than I imagined! And I feel so free. I know it is all in my head, but to hell with psychology, I haven’t felt this good for years! And yes, it is pain to get on and wear it the whole day long, but I can’t imagine putting on a bra and walking out of the door now.

So, that’s pretty much it for today. It’s gotten longer than I expected, as usually, and I really have to get some sleep today because I have to go to my stupid job tomorrow again… :-(

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Rage

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I feel like all the rage is building up in me once again and I am gonna blow up pretty soon. It’s like no matter what I do, how much I try to look positively at the world, how much I try to keep my emotions under control, I just can’t take this anymore! I wanna smash something so much it’s clawing at me from inside. All this anger, frustration, tension… Where the hell is this all coming from? It’s like every time I finally calm down a little, some little shit comes along, pokes me in the right place and suddenly I am all wired up again. I just wanna hit the wall and keep hitting till I won’t be able to lift my hands anymore. I wanna get into my car and just drive as fast as it’ll go, as far as I can, never turning back.

It’s like there’s a wild angry animal living inside of me, trying to get the better of me. And I hate that part of myself, I hate how it makes me lash out sometimes at people I don’t want to lash out at and who don’t deserve it. And I hate myself for being too damn weak and unable to keep it under control more. And then I hate myself for not being able to accept it and deal with it instead of trying to supress it.

Sometimes, I wish I could just get up, leave everything behind and start anew someplace else…

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Summary of 2013

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So, I have decided to summarize the last year with a positive spin to it, because there has been a lot of negative things happening and I poured them out all on these pages. And also because one of my new year’s resolutions was to look at everything from positive angle. :-)

January 2013 – I am moving into a new flat. It’s much bigger than any I had till now, easily able to accommodate even big family. It’s on top floor, so there is nobody stomping above my head and I have quite a view on the surrounding area. It’s in a small town, so it’s pretty quiet and friendly, all around are hills and forests and plains. The way to work takes about 40 minutes which gives me a lot of time to wake up on the way there and enough time to sort through my thoughts on the day’s work on the way back. I can also listen to audio books on the way, which lets me “read” quite a bit too, for which I would otherwise had not much time.

February 2013 – I started reconstruction on the flat. I already have new bath tub installed and I did my bedroom. I am starting to live in the flat without too much trouble. My dog is starting to get used to the new place as well.

March 2013 – I am looking for a new job. I am going from one interview to other which lets me meet all sorts of new people and get a sense of all the companies that are around here. I still keep looking, before I know the right one will be the next.

April 2013 – I continue with the reconstruction. I have the living room and most of the kitchen finished. I am still looking for a new job because I feel I need a change but I also don’t want to settle for the first, or fifth, offer.

May 2013 – I quit my job. I finally found the right company with the right position and I hand in my notice to my boss. The last two months in this company are before me. I do not worry about losing my friends, because we will surely stay in touch all the time.

June 2013 – I continue with the reconstruction. I have finished the spare bedroom that will be mostly used by my sister when they come over. I even stood up to mum regarding how to decorate the room. I am very proud of myself for doing it all on my own.

July 2013 – I leave the company I’ve been in for two years. Yes, it is a sad moment, but there is a new life ahead of me and I have to focus on that! My sisters were over for 2 weeks with my dad watching over them for a week – I really appreciate the big flat now.

August 2013 – I start a new job. It is in a big international company, one of the biggest suppliers to automotive. The position is not exactly what I hoped for, but I have so much free time. I even go home when it’s still light outside! I come out to my closest friends and my father as gender queer / transgender. I am still not sure how to proceed, but I am finally honest about it even with myself. I go to Prague Pride with my friends. The day is great.

September 2013 – I move my dad in with me. There are lots of boxes and furniture – the exercise will do me good. Also, I have never driven a van before, so this is going to be fun, all alone on the long road in a van that doesn’t speed that much although it does consumes a lot. My dog loves traveling by the van.

October 2013 – I continue with the reconstruction. With help of my dad, I have finished the hall mostly and the kitchen is more habitable now too. Testing period in my new job is ending by the end of the month. The job really isn’t what I thought it would be, but it’s still in a large company and I have lots of free time to write my fanfic stories and go home early to play games.

November 2013 – I am starting a diet. As a result of some stomach problems, I am now on a strict diet consisting mainly of yoghurts and rice. This is good; I am eating less and I even loose a little bit of weight, maybe. I have made few important decisions – not having children of my own, proceed with the change, and come out to my brother and mother. Telling more people was good, only little stressful. I have also set up a meeting with a specialist for transgender.

December 2013 – I have my first visit at the sexologist. That’s the first really positive thing in a long while. I will be spending Christmas and New Year at home with dad and we decided not to celebrate it at all. That means I don’t have to do the traditional baking, cleaning and all that other stressful stuff that I hate about Christmas otherwise.

In addition to all the wonderful things that have been happening and which I highlighted above, there are couple more that I am truly happy about and even without looking at them from a positive angle, they have been good. I got close to few very special people that opened up to me and opened my eyes in return. I got to find out that I have the most amazing dad a girl can ask when turning into a gay man and abandoning all hopes for having traditional family. I have a job that while driving me nuts, it also gives me the training and education that I have been asking for my last two employers and was always refused. It also gives me hope to one day get the job I really want while having time now to focus on myself and my own world. I do have a flat that is more challenging than rewarding, but it’s mine and maybe I’ll decide to move again (I half way already did), but at least I can sell it and won’t have to start all over again.

In the last year and something, I have faced many challenges on professional, personal and spiritual level. I haven’t gotten over them; I fought through each one of them. I am still fighting some and I know I will for a long time. But looking back at the year that has gone pass and was one of the most challenging in my life, and seeing that I am still here and I can still look at everything from the positive angle, I think I’ll be just fine.

And that’s what I wanted to say. That whatever we face, we can get pass it, be it by fighting, by going around, above or under. But one day, we will stand on the other side and we will look back and think that it wasn’t as big as we thought it was… :-)

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First Steps

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It’s been a while since I wrote last. I’ve been in a dark place. I still kinda am, but just knowing it makes me want to do something about it. When I wrote the last post, I was in a very emotional state. But just as I said, once I put everything on the “paper”, my brain started raking through it, making an order and helping me cope. Just an hour after posting it, dad came into my room and we started talking. Even though I myself wasn’t completely sure about what I want to do with my life and possible family, I told him. I told him all I felt, all my doubts and all my fears. I told him that he may never see a grandchild of mine, not one that would be blood-related at least. By saying it all, by answering questions and making him see my point, I actually realized that I already made the decision and now I only have to deal with the consequences. And I am dealing. I came to terms with the fact that while I still want to have family, I may never get that wish. But that’s alright. If I find a partner that would like to settle down with me, we can explore the option for adoption or surrogate mother later on, together.

After dealing with this part on that Sunday evening, I decided it’s time to tell my mother. Dad has been real supportive for the past few months, even though I only recently realized he didn’t understand right when I said I was gay in woman’s body. Or rather, he thought that if I change, my preferences will too and I’ll find myself a nice girl and settle into a “normal” relationship. It kinda baffles me how he’s able to accept that his first born will no longer be daughter, but son, but he’s still unable to grasp the notion of the whole orientation thing. o_O Dear Lord, give me strength! But, we did talk about it few times since then and it seems he’s starting to realize this is one thing that is not gonna change. I sympathy with him on that, he’s just really straight guy. :-D

Anyway, as I said, I decided to tell my mum finally. I called her after two days and asked her to come to my flat for a chat. She did and after few deep breaths, I told her. She used to work in psychiatry and psychology and me dropping hints for the past half a year probably helped a lot. We talked. It was actually a good talk. Where my father is supportive in his own way, she talked with me in clinical terms and honestly, it was nice to debate rather then lecture. I told her about my decision not to have kids and she helped my understand why for so many years I lived in very convinced state that I can’t have kids. You see, for year, I avoided visit to a gynecologist for two reasons. One, because, damn, it’s so totally … bleh! And second, because I feared they’ll tell me there is something wrong and I won’t be able to ever have kids. This June, I have, in my very late twenties, decided to finally go for a check up for the first time ever. It was just as bleh as I thought it will be, but apparently, I am quite alright. Well, I had to go there twice, because the doctor thought there IS something not quite right. When I waited for the next visit, the whole two weeks, I kept feeling relieved and crushed at the same time. The sadness was understandable but I thought what the hell is wrong with me for wanting to have my fears confirmed… When I talked to mum, I told her that as well. She said it is not as strange as it may seem. It was just my brain dealing with the internal information of me being a man, thus not being able to carry a child. Thinking back, it does make a lot of sense.

Finally talking with my mum and dad about all that has been haunting me for so long made me feel better. So, I decided to really call the renown sexologist that also specializes in transgender. It was my third “first” step. The real first one was when I realized everything myself. The second when I told my closest friends and family. Making the call to the doctor was the next one. And so, today was my first session with the doctor. Another “first” step. Doctor Fifkova is undoubtedly great person and while I felt like my insides are going to knot irreversibly, once we started talking, everything just dropped. All the nervousness, the anxiety, everything. (Though it might have been also due to the pills I took in the morning to help me cope with the sheer anxiety of having to travel to the capital by public transport…) The doctor explained everything real well and using male pronouns wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. I have started feeling really frustrated lately about that, because while I still use female pronouns, I kinda started to wish to start with male ones, but even while talking to myself (which I do often, please don’t judge), I still use both. It confuses me and while I am still not completely comfortable with male ones, I ceased to be comfortable with female ones. That makes it just so … frustrating, I guess. I told my dad today that I wanna start using my new name and male pronouns at home and I think I’ll ask my friends to do the same when I speak to them (or if you’re reading this already, thank you for your support and please guide me).

I was asked today to write my CV. When hearing that, I immediately though, oh good, I just update it and send it… And then the doctor said it is supposed to be a CV about me, my life, my realization and so on… A foundation so to say, on which we will build the sessions. I wish I could do it in English, in which case I’d send her a link to this blog and be done with it… Well, I better get to it soon. Oh, I have already appointments with a psychologist and a specialist regarding hormones. Both are in February. The psychologist is to make some tests, talk with me and then confirm the diagnosis, or not. The specialist is not really needed right now, but they have usually very long waiting list, so I was advised to go asap.

And on different note… My job is pretty much NOT what I thought it will be. It has such a great potential and I would love it if it was what it is supposed to be, but let’s just say, that right now, I am doing about 5% of the original job and 95% of work that nobody else wants to do. One of my colleagues’ is leaving because of that this Friday, another one has two offers elsewhere and is considering taking them, and third one is waiting for his wife to go back from maternity leave this September and he’ll start looking for a new job too. There are only four of us, which leaves me in a bad position. But, the company is paying for my auditor’s training and will pay for an auditor license as well, so I’ll have to stick with it for now – I really want that license and then start auditing myself. Unless I turn into a writer, because looking at the length of this post, I would be an aspiring one, no? :-D

There are still some issues with money and dad and brother, on top of all the above, so for the past few weeks and especially past few days, I’ve been really on edge. I still am, I feel like a rage is building up in me and sometimes, I have to dig nails into my palms to keep it control. I feel restless and stretched to the point of snapping. For now, I can control it, but I guess I’ll have to start going to gym from next year to let off some steam (and shape my body a little as a side effect).

So, to finish this all up, thank you all for your support and reading my terribly long and mostly boring posts. :-) I swear I do write better things than this sometimes… Which reminds me, if there is any manga / anime fan out there that likes yaoi fanfictions, you are welcome to my profile (https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2195351/Sherry2602) to check my other work of written word – mind you, I am no Rowling, nor Pratchett, nor any other great writer and I doubt the manga writers and artist wouldn’t all appreciate my dubious attempts to screw up their characters… ;-) I am finishing on a positive note, see? Have a good night and if I don’t write anything soon, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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Brain vs Heart

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I haven’t been updating lately, because there was so much going on that I didn’t know where to start. But because I am starting to get to the place where I was at the beginning of this year, I decided it’s time to start sorting through my mind again…

Dad has been living with me since 15th of September and since then, he has drank one bottle of wine some two weeks ago. I am really proud of him for that. He’s such a different person when he’s not drinking. It makes me really happy to see him getting better. I know he’s suffering, though he doesn’t say anything, probably out of fear of being mocked. In any case, having dad here has proved to be a good change for both of us.

I have had my end-of-testing-period interview at work last week. They accepted me to stay, which is a huge relief. I still earn a lot less than in my previous job, but the work makes me far less angry and feeling like a shit every time I go home – which is also much earlier than I used to. So, although having my money cut down is quite a challenge bills-wise, I am not regretting leaving the old place. Money is tight right now, with dad living here without a job and all, but we’re trying to figure all things out. So, dad is now starting as a babysitter of my twin sisters. :-D Seriously, mum is totally shameless when you think about it. She had no problem with her ex-ex-husband picking up and taking care of her children that she has with her ex-husband… It’s like watching a soap opera live…

I have been invited to a wedding of my friend. It was in the area that I used to live when I was younger, my brother still lives there, so I went. I went mainly because I wanted to talk with my brother. He has engaged to his girlfriend recently, so congratulations were in order. Also, he kept asking me about my “situation” since I went to Prague Pride in August. I really owed him an explanation, because I was pretty sure he had wrong ideas about what is going on. It turned out he really did. I arrived there on Friday late afternoon and he drove me to his place. We started talking and when it became clear I’m not gonna be as straightforward as I wanted to (no pun intended there), he called his co-worker to take next few calls – he’s a taxi driver. We finally got to talk and I told him everything that I have been feeling and going through, what my plans are and such. When he asked whether I am going to go through the actual physical change, I answered without hesitation. Yes. Only then I really realized I mean it, I do want to. He was understanding and accepting, just as I knew he would. I talked with his fiance later on and explained things to her in more details. I learned from her that they thought I was a lesbian. I can see why, and I suspect many people think that of me already. I guess dad thought it too before I told him the truth.

I have been very fortunate with accepting friends and family that took me just as I am and haven’t judged me till now. But there are only few more of those that I know would be this accepting, then only the “unknowns” remains. Like my mother, sister, my boss, co-workers… I think I can cope with coming out to my family and friends, even coping with those that will reject me and I am pretty sure there will be some. But my workplace is something totally different. I am afraid that once I start going through the changes, I will loose my job or I will leave on my own, because I don’t know how to answer all the questions that will arise. I wish I won a lottery, quit my job, went through the change, move away and then start a new job, new life… But that would be too easy, huh? And there is no easy way out of this. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to let go of something. Call me a control freak, but in my whole life, I wanted everything to be stable, to have everything under control, to know what is going to happen and when and how… Now, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a field on cloudy night and I am trying to find out where the North is.

Attending the wedding, talking with my brother and his fiance, it made me think deeper about things I have been trying to avoid till now. I always said I want children, and I do, but I am having doubts whether I would be a good parent. I am impatient, cranky, demanding, hot headed… And most of all, I am alone. And I would be alone for the raising of the kids. If I skip thinking about actually going through the whole pregnancy, check-ups, birth and all, I honestly am starting to thinking about what will happen afterwards. I will be raising a child, or children, as a single parent, starting out my whole transition only after all this. I always kinda knew I’d be a single parent, but until now, I haven’t thought of what it will mean if I have a baby that’ll be completely dependent on me and I will start taking hormones, going through various surgeries… Where would I leave the child during such times? What I change too much? Is it selfish thinking only about myself or would it be selfish wanting to bring a child into all this mess just because I want to have a child? And what if I decided not to have children? Will I be able to live with myself knowing I can never have them? That I won’t be able to adopt as a man either, because I am also a gay and we are denied adopting rights here in Czech; that I will never be able to have a real family the way I want it? What it more important to me? My selfish desire to finally be myself or selfish desire to have a family?

The rational side of me tells me I should give up on wanting to have everything, because it is too big a bite to take all on my own. And I know that in end, I always listen to my rational side, and it is why it pains me so much, because in my brain, I already decided, but my heart is still trying to hold on to the hope that I will one day become a parent. It hurts, it hurts so much I don’t know if I can make it through. I always thought I’m living my life for the family I want to have. And now I feel like I have nothing else to live for. And at the same time, I want to see what life has to offer me. I keep telling my heart that maybe there really is a hope. That maybe I’ll be able to adopt from somewhere else, or the laws in Czech changes or something…

I am going to contact a sexologist soon. There is one in Prague that is supposed to be real good. I guess I am ready to take the next step and open the door to see what’s behind them. Maybe after few visits, I’ll be able to think more clearly, or I’ll learn how to cope better, and… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll finally start accepting myself for me, not for what others think of me.

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Roundabout

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Most of the time, I feel like driving on a roundabout. Like the one up on that picture. I keep looking at it and I have no idea which way I would take, and not just because it’s in England and the roads are all on the other side. But looking at it makes me want to solve the puzzle, find the right way. So I am drawing lines in my head, going round and round, crossing the lines at some points, getting lost and confused, and starting again and again.

In my life, I feel like that too. I feel like I already crossed this or that line or I have taken the wrong turn or I am stuck in the middle, driving in the inner-most circle with dozens of others driving around me, not letting me out. And I am driving and driving and it makes me mad and frustrated and angry. It makes me feel hopeless. Like nothing I do ever takes me out of that inner circle and I am going to drive around there forever… And every time I get closer to my right turn, something closes it off and I am back where I started.

Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Just get few things in a backpack and leave, never looking back. “I am building a life.” I keep repeating this to myself since I left school when I was 19. Nine years later, I feel like I am still stuck on that roundabout. Every time I get something good and I achieve something better, there’s something waiting to let me get my hopes up and then stepping on them hard, reminding me that life is not fair. So why the fuck am I still trying to build that life?! For what? For whom?

I am trying to focus on the good things in my life; my friends, things that make me happy… But still there are times when I sit in the dark, thinking about what the future may bring and what I can do about it. What I want from it… It’s like I am standing before the roundabout and I don’t know which turn to take…

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