Ever felt like you missed every single shot?
I am once again in the dark place where all I feel is anger or numbness. All my life, I tried to live up to some expectations. My parents’, my bosses’, people’s around me, my own. And for every one that got fulfilled, there are dozens that were just not. Lately, I am trying to simply not care, but the truth is, I lived for so many years trying to fit in one box and when I finally realized I won’t fit in and I need to change to get myself rid of that box, I find myself being pushed in another box(es).
To put it simply, as a woman, I pushed the boundaries in my work, in my everyday life as much as I could. I tried to show people around me that the work I am doing, while being minly men’s world, I still can navigate it well. Sometimes, it worked and I did get the recognition I deserved, but there were times when my word didn’t have the same weight as the very same word spoken by my male colleagues. Over the time, I tried to ignore it. When I finally realized I just don’t want to hide myself anymore and to go through the transition, I kind of expected to get over it. I mean, I know I still pass only partially and it’s more about me referring to myself as a man and using male type of speach (because in Czech, it’s very distinctive and you can almost immediately tell if it’s a woman’s speach or male’s) that forces others to acknowledge me as a male. Overall, I had really good experience coming out, especially at work. I must admit that my expectations in that department were really low so they were exceeded by far. As I wrote before, I work in a company that employs 1200 people just in the town where I am. As a part of the headquarters, I am working with people not just in this particular plant but also with 4 other plants. I am in constant contact with some 40 people just from the company itself, plus about the same number of suppliers that are under my care. That is a shit-load of people to come out to and so far, I didn’t have any negative experience.
But even as the coming out was okay and I mostly get treated as a man now, which is amazing, some people automatically started pushing me into the “guy” box. And by that, I mean the macho type that is supposed to behave like nothing can touch him in that whaterver-I-don’t-care way. I am supposed to be pretty much emotionless, not get pissed too much or, to use very recent words, avoid being hysterical. When I heard that, I swear I was battling with my urge to smash the person’s face in to show just how fucking “macho” I can be. The only thing that stopped me was my inner voice telling me that I am far better person inside than he’s ever going to be, the fact that he already had his jaw broken few weeks ago and now has to feed himself with a straw for another two weeks, and the fact that he recently stepped from being my colleague to being my boss. So, I tried to, very camly and guy-like, explain to him, that this kind of words really don’t sit right with me and his choice of words was really poor, because I am in no way hysterical. When I get really upset or emotional, I write it down, I don’t make a scene. But because I am the kind of person that does stand for what I believe in and I am ready to argue over it, it doesn’t mean I am “hysteric”. I mean, come ooon!
My colleague-turned-boss isn’t the only one that pisses me off with many comments like these. He knows one other trans guy and he assums he knows everything about us. I’d bet anything that if that guy heard him, he’s smash his face in as well. My dad is also pretty much annoying with this as well though. He would come to my room and say things like “Man don’t do this, or say that, or use that, or or or.” Fucking annoying! First of all, he’s the least man-like man I know and I know quite a lot of people. And second, why the fuck does he have to tell me something I know? To hell with all of them! I am trans, I am gay and most of all, I am a person and I don’t want to fit into some kind of pre-made package that has a nice neatly written label on it.