So much has been going on, yet so little has changed… Well, that is not entirely true, but it sure seemed poetic enough.
Anyway, I have moved at the end of May and am now living with my dad and pets in a flat in new town. The flat is nice enough and driving to work takes now about ten minutes instead of fourty. The flat is in a building that sits at the very edge of a pasture and forest is near too. One would think we’re no longer in a town. Dad loves it there and so does my dog. They go for a walk every morning, spending over half an hour outside. It’s really good for both of them.
I have upgraded my PC lately and now have a great gaming machine that fullfills my needs and lets me play whatever I choose. Lately, I’ve been playing Thief. It’s real good and fun, and even managed to scare me shitless during one mission (Moira Asylum). I mean, I don’t scare that easily but there are certain things I really don’t like in games. Do you know the games Dead Space? I am still stuck around half way through the game, because it’s so fucking well done that I am in constant stress while playing it. Therefore, I haven’t returned to it for a long time now.
My dad’s house got sold. I got the word yesterday afternoon that someone bought it on auction and they demanded immediate access to the place. When nobody could produce a key (which only I and my father have and we are both about 350km away), they called a locksmith and had the lock changed without us. Fortunatelly, they agreed to let us in on Monday to gather few things from there. This is all my brother’s fault. He was the one making the debt and my father now paid for it. Well, we all did, because that house was my grandmother’s and she left it to all four of us. So now, it’s gone.
On Sunday morning, mum called that her father died. He had a tumor on his brain so he didn’t recognize anyone apparently, but he died of heart attack in the end. I haven’t seen him for years and he was never a good granfather before that either. Hell, he wasn’t a good father either from what I know. But we’re still going to the funeral tomorrow to pay our respects to him. I don’t feel anything about that really. I don’t wanna sound heartless, but I just can’t mourn him. The thing is, on the night before mum called, I had this weird dream about my grandma and her parents (from my father’s side). I’ll skip the details, but the result was, they died, again. I have written before that my grandmother was really special to me. She practically raised me and I was closest to her from all the family. When she died, I plunged into really bad depressions and considered suicide many times back then. Last week it was seven years since I spoke to her for the last time and even though it’s been so long, I still can’t talk about her without getting all emotional. The dream and then the death of my granfather brought all those feelings of loss back. It’s like I have this huge stone sitting on my chest and throat and with every breath I feel sick. Just writing about it makes me feel sick and broken. Like with her death, a part of me just died along with her and I’ll never be able to replace that part. I like to play the tough guy and all, but yesterday, I cried myself to sleep… I know I can’t ever have her back, but if I could, I’d trade my mother for her in a heartbeat. I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but I would and I wouldn’t look back once.
All in all, I feel liek a shit these past few days and I can’t wait till the funeral is over and I am back home. My best friend is gonna be over for the weekend because it’s her birthday and I want her to have some good memories. So, apart from getting her the book that she picked (because I am terrible at picking presents), I also made a reservation in a local Japanese restaurant (very classy and very good) and I’ll take her there for dinner tomorrow after I get home. She has no idea we’ll go there. :-P We promised to ourselves that we’ll go there one day and well, since I got a nice bonus at work, I think I know how to get something nice from it. At least, the end of the week should be good then and it should take my mind off things. And who knows, maybe there’ll be a nice young japanese guy for me to seduce… :-P